BUSH, CHENEY BLISTER SHADY BUSINESS ETHICS

Speaking today before members of the Golden Manacle Club, the élite organization of C.E.O.s released on more than ten million dollars' bail, President George W. Bush said that he had once held up a bank, "like thousands of other enterprising Americans and without spending a dime of taxpayer money," and vowed to employ the same can-do attitude in solving the real problems facing American business, such as overcharging employees for lunch in company cafeterias. The President announced the formation of a blue-ribbon panel of corporate food managers, who have been asked to report back to him by the year 2050 if they have any thoughts.

Meanwhile, Vice-President Dick Cheney, addressing the annual convention of the American Association of Incompetent Board Chairmen, firmly backed the President's position on bank robberies and took the opportunity to comment on the press's reaction to his own role in a Southwestern stolen-car ring. He said he viewed criticism of his activities as an example of McCarthyite witch-hunting by a self-appointed gestapo that threatened to undermine private-jet sales for years to come. The ring, he pointed out, had pumped millions into the Swiss economy.

In his speech, President Bush dismissed his involvement in a Texas counterfeiting operation ten years ago as old news. "And anyways," he explained, "I just spent it—I didn't make it. Everybody knows I can't draw a lick." Mr. Bush went on to deplore the shady business ethics that lead executives travelling at company expense to steal shampoo, soap, and sewing kits from hotel bathrooms for personal use. He announced that he will soon recommend to Congress the establishment of a Cabinet-level Department of Homeland Personal Toiletries to monitor compliance with stringent new curbs on such thefts. Vice-President Cheney drew prolonged applause during his speech after pointing out that although Abraham Lincoln had once done legal work in Illinois for the same railway companies that he later patronized as a passenger, nobody had raised an eyebrow. He added that he was "about fed up" with this blatant double standard and called for its replacement by triple and even quadruple standards.

President Bush used the occasion of his address to state that his partnership role in the Texas Switch & Bait Corporation, a discount retail appliance vender, consisted of little more than dropping by the company's headquarters every Saturday to pick up his complimentary home-entertainment equipment, "just like any other American family man doing his Saturday chores." The experience, he continued, had taught him a valuable life lesson: "Even free appliances can weigh a ton, I tell ya."