Tuesday, October 19, 2004

I got into a pretty big knock down drag out verbal fight with Dan last night re who’s had the tougher childhood and adulthood. What a self-righteous dick. He’s not even thirty yet, I’m fourty-four and listening to him tell about his childhood and working life I’ve got his ass beat on ‘poor, pitiful me’ a thousand times over.

He was telling me about delivering papers with his father as a child, throwing up in the car because of the smell of newsprint and his father’s smoking. I countered with the newspaper delivery dispatch van I had to drive with the fat, overweight chain-smoker that bathed perhaps once a month. In addition to the ‘newsprint smell’.

He talked about having to do construction work. I countered with doing construction work, hauling carpet up several flights of stairs to the point where I was getting regular nosebleeds because the weight of these things put such a strain on one’s body. Then there was hauling the 90 pound bags of flour at the French bakery with the explosive French baker. That one cause me a herniated disc that I still suffer from, and always will. Then there was working as a janitor in an office complex where you had to move so fast so consistently that the first month of the job you finish off at the point of passing out because the aerobic workout was so intense. To say nothing of the strain it puts on one’s ankles, feet and back. I developed bone spurs on my feet, one of which is inoperable. So much for hiking in my beloved mountains anymore because of that one.

That was such a depressing job that towards the end it became an actual physical effort just to breathe. Imagine that. A job so depressing where you have to consciously make an effort to breathe in and out. That wasn’t the only job I’ve had like that.

Oh, and there was the seafood processing job. Fifty pound bricks of frozen fish thrown into a chopping machine, then once that was processed, working on a conveyor belt where you had to not only lift a fifty pound basket of processed fish, then you had to squat, move under the conveyor, stand up, and stack it on the opposite side, then squat, move back under the conveyor and do it all over again. Rinse, repeat for eight hours, sometimes ten. The back problem I had from lifting the flour sacks came back because of that.

Then there was working in a call center. Oh, that sounds nice, sit-down job, no heavy lifting, no aerobic workout that causes you to nearly pass out. Until you talk to person after person after person who wants you to die, die, die and wishes sincerely they could leap through the phone receiver just so they could personally rip your friggin’ guts out. On top of that are all the threats to ‘get you fired’. “I will be sure to do everything in my power to make sure you never work again.” “Do you know who I am?” So you go to your supervisor for support. Hah! Support! “Oh, you better do what the customer wants.” Then you do that. Then a few weeks later is your evaluation. “Oh, you did too much of what the customer wanted and cost the company money! So then, like so many other of your fellow employees you go to a doctor who prescribes anti-depressants just so you can cope with the constant yelling and threats and duplicity. It does nothing but mask the problem, it doesn’t fix it.

The best Dan can come up with is doing some moving jobs, doing some construction jobs, and how, he’s unemployed, doing the minimal work he can to get by, and getting rent money from his mother. I’m unemployed now and tried getting money from my mother last month. The only thing she could come up with was sixty dollars. Sixty friggin’ dollars . . . Pansy whining shite.
Oh, and in addition the bastard gets to go to *college*. Bastard. Doesn't have to work unless he really, really *wants* too, has his brother provide the money for college, has his mother pay for rent, has his 'pretend girlfriend' for . . . whatever. Self-Righteous Dickhead times a million.

Monday, October 18, 2004

So I just posted a few resumes on Monster, the jobs I posted for all look fairly promising, so hopefully I'll have something soon. So many times I've said that, so many times I've been disappointed.
Still though, I talked to Ashley for the first time today, beyond simple chit-chat anyway. I don't think anything will come of it, but nothing ventured, nothing gained.
With every resume I put out I feel a bit closer to my goal though, to get all my debts addressed and then get out of this stupid, backward, uncivilized country. I can't believe I've let myself be trapped here as long as I have. Quite the little complex, to hate one's country of birth so much. . .
Yet there are the beautiful things here, the landscapes, the historical stories, the advances that have happened with technology. Funny, but there were so many technological advances with the germans during WWII and look what happened to them in the end. . . And look at what happened to them afterwards: a society with more caring, more compassion than many in the world have. A social system of cradle-to-grave care. A decent work week. A high standard of living. Yes, there's the unemployment there now, but that was caused by the Berlin Wall coming down and re-absorbing half of their country back into themselves. A hell of a financial cost. Like absorbing Mexico into the U.S. along with all of it's economic and social problems.
Monday morning here at Cafe Allegro, posting resumes and hoping for a fish to bite.
I sold the Isuzu last week so if I keep a close eye on funds I should have enough to last me for a couple of months. I just can't get over how lousy this economy is. Like a bad science fiction movie. Everyone who is a 'wage slave' gets treated like crap more than ever, while those who live 'lifes of privelege' are insulated more and more from the suffering they cause to others.
This is such a nihilistic society here in the U.S. "It's not my fault." "It's not my problem." "They're on the other side of the ocean and don't look like us, why should I care?"
If there is ever a comupance for this country that nihilism is going to have to be the first thing to be addressed. It's like german society during WWII when the germans didn't even think about all the jews being killed in the camps just a few blocks away from their village. The smoke drifting into those villages must have told them something bad was happening there, yet after the war they claimed they knew nothing about it. Same thing here. People think that because our military has been murdering people in third world countries or assisting and aiding that murder that somehow they are exempt. I don't think so. I feel that as citizens in the most powerful country on the face of the earth that we have a real duty and responsibility to make sure that power is used wisely, and if it's not being used wisely, then it is our duty to remove that power from the hands of those who would abuse it. Part of that responsibility is making sure that we are fully and completly informed in how that power is being used in order to make mature and responsible decisions. We are failing badly in that responsibility now, and doing so knowingly. And for that, we deserve to be shamed before the world.